Gimme Shelter

This is a hard entry to write - and I know it's going to be read by people who never frequent my blog; people who aren't interested in autism, people who don't "do" self-sufficiency, people who so far haven't bothered to pay attention cuts as they're not disabled. But this is important. It's important to realise this is happening, and has been happening, for a year. If people are getting shocked now, then as nightmarish a scenario as it is for me and my son, it's worthwhile for people to see, to understand, and to get angry and try to do something about it. Please understand I'm not opening up a "debate". I'm not doing an intellectual exercise here. This isn't just something to talk about for pages on end. This is my reality. It's not an anecdote, it's not conjecture. Either you agree to help...or you don't. And I hope there's enough humanity left out there that the help is more forthcoming.

The weekend was a daddy-weekend, with child getting picked up by the ex. I've already had a pretty crap week; the stuff with the school, the constant questions about why ex isn't more involved with his son (and that's always been a bone of contention, as readers of my blog are well aware). When ex walked in the door I realised he knew absolutely nothing about the school's meeting and their disablist language, about how child was losing his education and how the LEA was dragging its feet again. For over two weeks I have been at full-tilt as child has only been in school an hour a day and has spent the rest of the time at home. None of this my ex knew, because he never bothers to call and see how child is doing...I have to chase him down and tell him. Then he takes it upon himself to tell me what I should be doing, from a distance, like I'm a personal assistant and he can't be troubled with such things.

So I boiled over and was resentful and took quite a few potshots at him. His calm and detachment infuriated me, which made it worse. I guess now I understand why he was so passive and remote - he'd already made up his mind what he was going to, and probably had done for months now.

Yesterday, around noon, I received an email - it was the only way we communicate these days. It was a suicide note, essentially, I won't go into it. But what he was planning was obvious. I was immediately terrified; my son was with him. Just like everyone else, I've read the horror stories about parents who give up and decide to take their children with them. I was beside myself; I ran through the house, sobbing and howling like something lost for a few minutes before I grabbed the phone and called the police. I then called my friend to come and get me and texted my ex to please not hurt my son, to let me come and get him.

My ex eventually sent a text back to me saying he was taking my son to Winter Wonderland as he "deserved good memories" and child would be fine. But how was I supposed to take that? He obviously still planned on killing himself and at any point his mind might change and he might decide our son would be better off going with him. After all, child is struggling in school, he "doesn't fit in" and maybe never will. I get no help from Social Services due to cuts. I stand to lose about a third of the funding I get for child due to even more cuts in 2012 - all these things we have been fighting for at Broken of Britain that most people aren't even aware is happening...and try as we might, we can't get anyone to listen. So wouldn't it be better to just fade away? A lot of people think so...it would scare the hell out of you to realise just how many people have an "escape plan" for mid 2012.

In desperation, I turned to twitter, and desperately asked anyone who may have been attending the fair at Hyde Park to keep an eye out for ex and son; I gave descriptions, I used my son's name. I never use my son's name online - you never know who is watching and my son has no sense of danger. This only sounds "paranoid" when you don't have a child who would walk off with a total stranger if they promised him a ride in a car. In any event, twitter exploded with tweets. My tweets were trending in London. I was completely floored at the reaction, but was it going to be enough?

Friend and I managed to get to London and ex was in enough presence of mind to bring child to me. I kept it together best I could whilst child rattled off that ex had told him he "had to fix something, and if he couldn't fix it he would die and he said I could have all the video games at his house." Friend and I drove in stunned silence - child has no idea what any of it meant, he doesn't have that kind of understanding, but what a thing to say to a child! I was furious, but we managed.

A lot of people on Twitter wished for son's return and hoped ex would get some help. And this is the point of this blog-post; I need to let people know the help isn't there. It doesn't exist. The cuts to the mental health programmes has seen to that. If you can wonder why a football manager could kill himself when he "had everything", then this is why. There's nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. I had the texts and emails right here at hand and the police questioned my ex before he went to Winter Wonderland, and then let him go. He was still suicidal but he was so calm and convincing - and even pulled out the card that his partner has a PhD in psychology - that they just let him off and out. But I'm pretty certain his partner has no idea what he's planning on doing. And while I'm staggered the police bought the line, the truth of the matter is they're not trained to deal with this...and there's nowhere for one to go anyway. I know from experience that the mental health teams are so strapped right now they tend to just schedule an appointment for you weeks after contact. For many people that's just too late. And for someone in my ex's position - working a big job in London for the financial sector - having it on his record that he had a mental breakdown would spell the end of his career. The stigma against mental health is just too strong. In this economic climate, he can't afford to lose his job...and for his sanity he can't afford to keep it.

And so there is the quandary - suicides are on the rise, and the plans for same as well. But the answer is not to find non-existent "help". Depression and suicide are the symptoms of a much greater problem; for people like myself, the cuts are the biggest trigger. I get no respite care or assistance from Social Services as I am not considered "critical" - although "critical" honestly means "too late". I've tried to get child into an independent school for children on the ASD spectrum but the advice was there's no chance I could get child into one as councils are too strapped for cash and said schools are too expensive; £100,000 per year, per child. No way they're going to cough that up. Autism units are closing all over to cut corners and force the whole inclusion thing, piling work onto mainstream schools instead who resent all the extra work with no resources. And although I am desperately trying to work against doctor's orders, I am surviving on tax credits alone - tax credits which are going to get cut as I lose the severely disabled premium for my son. The DLA which will probably be cut for me as I only get low rate care for myself - and I wasn't able to fight for the med care/low mobility rates I should have been getting as the Citizens Advice team that dealt primarily with appeals was cut last year in mid-process. If I lose DLA, I lose disabled status which means I lose the premium for being disabled on tax credits as well, and also the premium for my heat and hot water, the additional funding for housing and council tax. If my ex commits suicide, there goes my maintenance payments, which is another couple of hundred pounds a month. We will go from relatively comfortable to below poverty line in a matter of months. Bang. Gone.

This adds up to a pretty grim scenario. Have I thought about suicide myself? I'd lie if I said I hadn't - but I am not made of "stronger stuff"; just of the realisation that there is no one who would take my son in. He'd fall into the state system and probably be lost forever. It would solve nothing. It would help not at all. So all I can do is fight as long as I can, to the very end of my strength; endure, resist, manage.

This is the reality of the cuts to the "most vulnerable". And "most vulnerable" doesn't just mean people in wheelchairs - it means people in high-paid jobs who seemingly have everything making suicide plans and following through. It means all those people who in desperation for help calling phone numbers just keep being given other phone numbers to call because the organisations have run out of money. It means that we're told the things that will cure us are non-existent jobs that no one will hire us for as Work Makes Us Free...and that we're just not trying hard enough - so, as added incentive, how about they remove all our money in 12 months if we don't find one?

In all the helpful tweets I had yesterday it was bound to happen that one person would tell me to "get a grip". It was only one person - and for the internet that's a rare thing, isn't it? But it was one too many. "The cuts aren't happening yet. Get a grip." I know what the papers are telling most people - that the "most vulnerable will be protected" and nothing is happening yet. But I have been involved with helping the Broken of Britain for a year now, I have spoken with other disabled people, and I can tell you right now the cuts started as soon as they were announced after the election. The councils were desperate to shore up the funds and started cutting almost immediately to protect their jobs. Care packages were never generous, they were often just the bare minimum - now those plans are being "reviewed" or halted entirely. Night time care is being cut and people are being given incontinence pads instead. Severely disabled people's plans are being halted for "review" as their plans are the most expensive and although absolutely vital, sure they can shave some dosh?

It's happening. It's all happening. And it's been happening for a year. This is why the Job Centre has been given leaflets to the Good Samaritans for the suicidal people the Government knows they'll be swamped with. The blogs I frequented from the Broken of Britain blogstorm - which most mainstream people have never heard of - is increasing filled with plans for suicide. This is happening. This is real.

People have asked how to help - and I have pointed them to Pat's Petition which still has a very very small amount of people signing it. It is still a rather bitter pill to swallow that 38 Degrees got people fired up about saving trees, but we have tried time and time again to get people on board about disability with no avail. If you want to try and help I would point you to the following links:

Pat's Petition - a call to halt and review the changes, because at this point the changes and cuts ARE going through. We've tried to raise the issues, we've tried to stop it. We've failed. This is our last chance.

Please read the 38 Degrees article - understand we have tried to get 38 Degrees to help support us but apparently we are not "popular" enough to campaign for. Please help us change this so we can get Pat's Petition to the mainstream.

Diary of a Benefit Scrounger - my fellow spoonie-warrior; even though she is desperately ill she has been appearing on television and on radio to try and get the word out. She currently has a campaign to appeal to the Lib Dem's to halt the time-limit on ESA.

I don't know if my ex will get saved; for the protection of my son I am keeping him home with me for Christmas. I have had to refuse my ex to talk to child in light of the fact he actually has been communicating his plans to child, which is just entirely inappropriate. I know he's ill...but I am not a professional. I am just a mother, and I have to protect my child. I know that's going to piss him off but this isn't the first time I've had to make an emergency trip to London to get my son when my ex lost it...and I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster nightmare. Visits are going to have to be structured and on neutral ground for a while. I know he's going to take that as a personal challenge, I know he'll want to fling the times he had to run back here to get child as I was going to hospital as proof I'm no better - and I had a very dark day where I also wrote my goodbyes and told him to come and get child. But this isn't a one-upmanship game. It's not a vengeance ploy, it's about my son's safety here. And I can appeal to the mainstream, to the people who didn't even know my twitter stream existed, who maybe saw but skimmed over it right up to the point the nightmare hit a bit too close, and maybe turn things around for anyone in this sort of situation.

It could happen to anyone. It could happen to you. Wouldn't you want the safety net to be there?

Now, it's morning and child had nightmares. I barely managed to sleep myself. But I have to put on the "everything's fine" mask and carry on. Just...carry on. As many are doing today, unseen, unheard. There's a lot of people like Ex out there. They need your help too.

Thanks.