Yes, I'm going to swear in this. I'm that pissed off. See, Mr Flare has come a-visiting again. I thought I had kissed him goodbye and sent him to a colony somewhere, but no.
Hello, Flare. Haven't seen you in a while; how have you been keeping yourself?
It's a pity flares aren't so pretty when they involve an immune system attack. But this is sort of what it feels like; boiling, flashes here and there of heat that becomes pain, mugginess that makes me feel slow and stupid and barely "with it".
I've been feeling the pain in my back and wrists and, true to form as someone with a chronic illness, I've just been ignoring it. I know it's there - I also know it's going to stay there. Precious little I can really do about it other than just Carry On as Normal. It's meant I cut my days at working rather short as I can't sit in the chair long enough, and it means even though I want to write I find I just can't manage it.
I've been stretching and doing yoga and a bit of time on the Wii, just getting into the routine of it, trying to work out all the kinks and pain, but after just a simple knee extension I found myself rolling around on the floor in agony. It didn't bode well, not well at all. But I still hoped. The migraines were coming back slightly as well - waking up with headaches which lingered round all day and wouldn't shift. I'm out of migraine medication but at least I have the anti-sickness pills. Still...I hoped that's all it was.
My jaw started to swell a few days ago - my teeth aren't in the best of shape but I've been brushing and flossing and using mouthwash and all that jazz to keep them in my mouth for as long as I can. I thought at first it might have been an abcess or something, but there was no pain. Calling the NHS Direct, they said I may have had swollen salivary glands. "Oh that just happens sometimes." Yeah...but the last time that happened to me it was agonising, and then the mouth ulcers started, and then the eye inflammation and then lots of hospital trips.
Don't think about it, don't think about it.
I've had to stop the naproxen due to the asthma getting rather rubbish, and I imagine that's a contributing factor; I've got no anti-inflammatory meds at the moment. It's winter. The weather has been weird, man, and I've managed to get through the holidays and over a month with child only attending an hour of school a day. The rest of the time I've been full tilt, better than I've done in a while, but it's been an insane pace.
Today was okay; I went outside, checked storm damage, put together the new fire pit, visited a neighbour with child in tow (they were lovely). I made myself a really nice lunch of lasagna and even homemade bakewell slices. I've been sipping tea and painting and taking photos in sunlight to try and perfect technique to make prints. All well and good, or I would have hoped.
But as the day crept on, I felt the pain getting worse. Realise I have no ibuprofen left - can't get anymore till Boots delivers, probably not till Monday. So, old school remedies of getting into bath, putting on my wrist braces and slowing down a bit. But it's not working. My eyes are blurring, my brain is fogging out bigstyle and I'm finding even lifting a cup of tea is very painful and requiring two hands.
Damn. I guess it's time to face the music. I've been flare-free for four months. The new medication has been fantastic and I even managed to get through a move, a stressful holiday season, and all the issues with child's school and his father without too many blips.
But the arthritis and the fibro was only lurking. The weather has been mild so it isn't been as bad as last year, at least not yet, but it was only lurking. I had just about convinced myself that I had finally slain the beast, and then it turned right around and attacked. Sue at Diary of a Benefit Scrounger has described this perfectly as the Sickie Jinx - how the real bitch about having an illness is that there are times one feels great, one can almost forget how bad the lows were in the past, that maybe the joyous state of Remission has been achieved, and then just when you're about to sing hosannas, wham! It hits you again. It's devastating. It's like discovering your illness all over again.
And just like the illness itself, there's no cure. There's no magic moment when you don't want to howl at fate for sending this shit your way. There's always a few moments where it's just as horrible as the first time your body started to betray you.
So I've had my dark moment already, when I cursed and "troubled deaf heaven with my bootless cries". I then dug out the wrist braces, ordered the ibuprofen, trying to figure out how to get Tiger Balm, taking some of child's coveted "Wumpy 3's" (omega 3,6,9 oil). I've checked the frozen food stocks if I can't do any cooking this week. Child has spent most of his day on his computer and his Wii. Any chance of reading the illustrated Hobbit book with him is gone as I can't focus long enough to read a single page. This entry has taken an hour.
Maybe I'll be able to paint from bed tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to get up and make a cup of tea. Maybe I'll be able to take care of my son and try to have a decent weekend with him. I can hope.
But for now, going to get a tea cup I can hold and get myself to bed immediately. Do not pass go.
0 comments:
Post a Comment